Splyt has been an online writer for more than 10 years and often dreams about teleportation.
If you’re anything like me, you will have spent many a futile hour daydreaming about teleportation. How cool would it be to transport ourselves huge distances quicker than it takes to shake a lamb’s tail? No more tedious car journeys, no more mind-numbing train travel and, best of all, no more mingling with the obnoxious hoi polloi in crowded airports.
If I could teleport, I’d zap myself everywhere in a blink. Zap out of bed to the car in the morning, zap back when I realise I have no clothes on, zap into the shower, zap into some funky clothes and finally zap myself directly to the shops as it dawns on me that I don’t need the useless junk of automotive metal my sleep-befuddled brain first zapped me into when I woke up.
So how can I make my dreams (and perhaps yours) a reality? Well fortunately for all of us, crazy mad scientists the whole world over are even now dreaming up new ways of twisting the very laws of physics to enable us to transport ourselves almost instantaneously to our destinations, or if not instantly at least as fast as the speed of light.
Current Hypotheses About Teleportation
This (admittedly scientifically naïve) article will show you the popular methods which you can employ to realise your full travelling potential. So without further ado, here are the best ways currently hypothesised to cheat the laws of distance-related physics.
- Inter-Dimensional Travelling
1. Dematerialisation (or How to Lose Lots of Weight Instantly)
First up is the oh-so-fun sounding dematerialisation. In this particular game of astral roulette, the mad scientist will place you on (or possibly in) some kind of machine designed to scan the properties and position of every single atom in your grotesque/sublime (delete as applicable) body. Once all the atoms are scanned the data will be sent to a remote location where the atoms will be reformed using whatever handy molecules happen to be nonchalantly kicking around.
Make no mistake though, there are lots of these little atomic critters in your body which need to be copied, roughly 10 to the power of 28 atoms, which despite the deceptively small sounding integers is actually quite a mind bogglingly large number. The net result is a new “you” formed at the destination which is an exact copy of the original “you”.
There’s always a catch however and this method comes with a bloody great big whale hook. In order to scan your body down to the atomic level in this manner, it requires your original beautiful self to be completely destroyed. Utterly annihilated in fact, which is a sure fire way to ruin anyone’s afternoon.
This is in part due to something called the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. Heisenburg was a German physicist born in 1901 and was generally acknowledged by other scientists to be a pretty clever chap. His work in quantum physics led him to assert his Uncertainty Principle which basically states that it’s impossible to know both the exact position and exact velocity of an object at the same time. This is a bit of a bugger for the mad teleportation scientists who need to know the exact position and velocity of each atom in your body so they can recreate them precisely at the teleportation destination.
Unfortunately the more you try to scan an atom, the more it is disrupted by the scanning process, until it is completely changed and the information derived from it is useless. This is a bit like trying to apologise to your upset girlfriend when you have no idea why she is actually in a strop. The more you try to find out how you made her angry, the worse the overall situation gets, until eventually your evening disintegrates.
The Einstein-Podolsky-Rose Effect
Fortunately there is an answer to this particular conundrum, but it took three very clever scientists to figure it out. The Einstein-Podolsky-Rosen effect was put forward by Albert Einstein, Boris Podolsky and Nathan Rosen. It describes a unique effect of quantum physics where two particles can become entangled such that when the properties of one change it automatically affects the properties of the other.
So by entangling objects it is possible to scan just enough information from the original atom to then be able to garner the remaining un-scanned information from another entangled atom. The original atom is still completely destroyed by the scanning process, but the combination of information from both entangled atoms is sent to the destination location for reforming into a perfect replica.
If this makes no sense at all then think back to the original girlfriend analogy. With entanglement it is analogous to me doing something wrong and my girlfriend instantly knowing about it wherever I am and wherever she is. My wrongdoings and my girlfriend’s uncanny ability to detect them are then passed in exact replica to every other female in my life, most notably my mother. This is a clearly proven scientific phenomenon which explains my total inability to get away with anything even remotely considered inappropriate by the women in my life.
But Who Will You Be on the Other Side? Tweedledum and Tweedledee
As far-fetched as dematerialisation teleportation might sound, it is actually the only method which has been successfully demonstrated in a mad scientific laboratory to date. In 1998 mad scientists in California successfully teleported a photon of light a whopping one metre across their lab, creating an exact replica of the photon and destroying the original photon as predicted. Everyone was really impressed until someone pointed out they could have just flicked the light switch on instead.
Similarly, in 2002 an Australian team of mad scientists successfully teleported a laser beam several metres across their laboratory which, while not advancing us much closer to human teleportation, is still infinitely cooler than the Californian experiment due to involving laser beams.
Most recently however, in 2006 some proper mad scientists in Denmark managed to successfully teleport information stored in a laser beam into a cloud of atoms at the teleportation destination. This is pretty cool as it shows for the first time teleportation at least partly involving matter.
The big debate however for dematerialisation teleportation is whether or not you would be the same person coming out of the teleport machine as the person that rather stupidly went in. The fact that the original “you” has to be destroyed in order to create a replica “you” does not get away from the fact that the new “you” is basically a copy of the original. This copy is nonetheless a perfect copy, containing all the thoughts and memories of the person that went into the machine, but can this really be classed as the same person?
It would take a brave or possibly foolish soul to step into a teleport machine in England with the knowledge that they will be roasted alive by a giant laser while a copy of them steps out of a booth in America. This form of teleportation via disintegration does not seem to constitute continuity of existence from any practical perspective.
Then there’s the whole religious debate. I’m not going to open this particular can of worms too far in this article, rather if you indulge me; we’ll just take a sneaky peek under the lid. I would not be comfortable arguing that all the atoms in our body constitute the sum total of our existence. There may well be something “else” that makes each and every one of us unique and I’m not sure that special something would be preserved or transferred to the duplicate “you”. In short, while dematerialisation teleportation is potentially a practical possibility, I’m not going to be signing myself up for the ultimate sun-bed anytime soon.
2. Inter-Dimensional Travelling
Fortunately, there are alternative methods of teleportation potentially available for those of us unwilling to be ripped apart atom by atom and one of these methods is known as inter-dimensional travelling. This rather handy hypothesis involves postulating that there are a potentially infinite number of parallel universes or other dimensions which we could theoretically travel to. The idea is you find a way to break into the extra dimensional space where it is likely time and space would be significantly distorted in relation to our Universe. You simply take advantage of that distortion to travel a short distance in the extra plane of existence before re-entering our Universe thousands of miles from your original location.
Easy, huh? This method potentially gets us around another problem inherent in our dematerialisation solution, namely that with dematerialisation we are still restricted by the speed of light for the actual data transfer that occurs during teleportation. In other words, with dematerialisation teleportation, once all your atoms have been scanned, the information contained within them still needs to be sent to the teleportation destination and the fastest possible way of doing that will be limited by the speed of light.
This is not too much of a problem on planet Earth. Considering light travels at approximately 671 million miles per hour, teleportation would still seem a pretty fair alternative to catching the bus in most circumstances. Technically, this is not instantaneous transport though. You would have to start teleporting between planets to really notice the delay, but there’s a hair here so let’s do our best to split it. Let’s say you wanted to teleport to Mars. It would take a tortoise like three minutes to get there at the speed of light, assuming the best case scenario of Mars being on its closest trajectory to Earth. By using inter-dimensional travelling it is theoretically possible to travel faster than the speed of light, due to the different constant natures of the hypothetical parallel universes.
The only tiny problem with this inter-dimensional theory is that it is all a load of complete bunkum. It’s a bit like deciding to travel to Mars by flying on the back of a hippogriff which you grew from a bag of magic beans. It’s a nice idea in theory, but no matter how many prize cows you sell, you never seem to get the beans that do the business. I’m happy to be proved wrong, but this method should stay firmly in the comic books until any resonance of scientific proof is found to support the notion of this farcical approach to teleportation.
3. Wormholes: Is That a Worm in Your Pocket?
Which brings us zipping to our last method of teleportation. This involves manipulating theoretical tunnels in space known as wormholes.
In 1916, Einstein wrote his general theory of relativity, which still stands today as the current description of gravitation in modern physics. Einstein and his scientist pal Nathan Rosen later expanded on this theory to show that the Universe employed a curved-space structure and proved beyond a shadow of my personal mathematical idiocy that it was theoretically possible to join two distant regions of space through a tunnel-like curved spatial shortcut. That’s a wormhole to you and me.
Disappointingly, wormholes are not caused by gigantic grubs wriggling their way through space and time, but rather describe the tunnel like effect of linking distant points of the Universe while mucking around with four or more dimensions. The entrance to a wormhole would apparently look much like a black hole in space. If you managed to find (or create) a traversable wormhole then it could effectively swallow you in one end and spit you out the other end so fast that light would actually be quite embarrassed when it finally caught up with you.
The problem with wormholes is, even if they do exist, they would be extremely difficult to stabilise. Most wormholes would simply collapse too quickly for anything to cross from one end to the other. It wouldn’t be much fun to go travelling through a galactic wormhole only to have the whole thing crumple on you half way through. It would make the disintegration part of dematerialisation teleportation look like being tickled with a fluffy piece of cotton wool.
Death by black-hole would definitely not be pretty. You would potentially be stretched out like a long piece of string, starting anywhere from your toes to your head and the whole agonising process could last for what felt like an infinity of time. Those cheerful mad scientists have actually made up a name for this ghastly demise; rather aptly they have coined the phrase spaghettification to describe the effect. It doesn’t bear thinking about exactly what constitutes the accompanying Bolognese sauce.
In theory then, wormholes are a great way to teleport around the universe, assuming you can work out a way to stablise them and also prevent yourself from being crushed to death by the awesome gravitational forces implicit in their design. In practice though, despite being predicted in Einstein’s equations and proved in theory by clever scientists such as Karl Schwarzschild, they still have not been discovered in any practical sense and would likely be located deep in space if they do actually exist. For our immediate purposes then, it must sadly be concluded that they are not particularly useful.
Hyper-Jump to the End
So to conclude this jaunty little trip through extra-dimensional space, hopefully it is clear that there are three potential options available for you to explore in your quest to become a budding new teleporter. I won’t lie to you, there are one or two issues to be ironed out depending on which approach you decide to favour, but I’m sure you’re up to the challenge.
I hope you’ve found this article extremely useful, but if not, please feel free to register your complaints at my extra-dimensional office in Alpha Centauri, a mere 4.37 light years away. Thanks.
Jordyn shaw on September 11, 2020:
wow this is great
weeb on September 03, 2020:
all I want is to get to the my hero academia universe
I have to p on August 23, 2020:
I just want to go to the bathroom but I don't wanna get up
first play on July 31, 2020:
idk dude what the heck
nansereko magret on July 26, 2020:
you r really cool
Mo on July 11, 2020:
How can an article about learning to teleport be so boring to read??
Pup on July 08, 2020:
Make a viedo to tellaport and telliport.
momo on June 30, 2020:
how do you teleport from one place to another
Riley on June 12, 2020:
I want to teleport
Madeleine on June 08, 2020:
Didn’t really understand this
Sodier on May 21, 2020:
I also wanna teleport
Chocolate on May 13, 2020:
I wanna to teleport to free Chocolate
Mason on May 08, 2020:
When I stand in front of my door when I close my eyes I appear inside my room is that teleportation?
manhater on April 22, 2020:
hi Nitin, if you've already teleport many times, can you help how, please. thank you
Emma on April 21, 2020:
How do we teleport
Cucumber fkin sandwiches on April 07, 2020:
Wish I could teleport out of existence.
Ahmed on March 05, 2020:
I am cool best too
No name on February 14, 2020:
Instructions unclear cat is now on fridge
Nitin on February 07, 2020:
I have already teleported and that too many a times.
The way of universe on November 02, 2019:
If you want to teleport anything you will need lots of concentration and the power of your soul which will report particular thing but this can only happen if the person is crossing the limit and the power of brain and its soul but it will take lots of beer to achieve this power if you you can.
firstname.lastname@example.org on October 06, 2019:
I'm willing to practice to teleport
Jovanni Holmes on October 04, 2019:
How do you teleport
goku on October 02, 2019:
How to do teleportatio
Sakadic on October 01, 2019:
Why does everyone believe this will actually work? It would require scientific research to create a handheld device, or something to implant in your brain to allow teleportation. Its not just about determination. If science cant even teleport small objects with a massive machine, you wont be able to just by ‘trying your hardest’, sure hope, and determination are good, and useful things. But you cant use them to break through that much logic. Some logic, yes, like how when we are in a stressful situation our mind accelerates and allows us to become stronger. But teleportation? Not possible yet.
Michelle rogers on September 22, 2019:
I want to telaport it just who? There is so much reading and I don't want to read all or it someone please tell me
Logan's channel please subscribe on September 22, 2019:
It didnt work
Geraldine martinez on September 03, 2019:
Hi my name is geraldine i wish i had someone to touch me how to tp my family always puting pressure on me sometime i need spaces to breath and if i have power to tp i well help people
Agentsquirrel on August 22, 2019:
I would have liked teleportation as I would have used it to help people out but it just seems so impossible.
Perhaps if i had somebody to teach me how to teleport, life would have been way cooler but perhaps i just have a silly life without free falling from the sky and directly landing into a pool
Cool random dude on August 19, 2019:
Teleportation Huh? What about time travel?
brwntwn123 on July 19, 2019:
Does anyone wanna learn psychic powers for non selfish and non bad reasons? You guys all sound like little kids
lalala on July 12, 2019:
No one knows any grammar. I am sad. And teleporting, you have to go to a different dimension.
Goku on July 04, 2019:
if any yous can teleport prove me, teleport to me, just to show this is really impassible and i join with yous
Mr Secular on May 17, 2019:
I have figured it out and it is 100% foolproof. If you are planning to travel to China, I have found somebody who is a priest for a religion that nobody knows about but is the key to teleportation. He will teach you the ways and you will be able to teleport after that. That is all I can say because I do not want to destroy the secret that is teleportation.
fortnite king on May 01, 2019:
Am going to make teleporting real watch me no joke
kevin on April 20, 2019:
There is more to know then to see
Mandy on April 03, 2019:
Hi. Be careful what you wish for. Don’t use it for bad. I am still learning though (because I know how to somehow), I would not trash up a place. Don’t guys. Just don’t. I mean don’t rob banks and go into ladies lockers. It’s not nice. It’s not wise. Don’t ruin your life.
Jayden allen moffitt on March 28, 2019:
I wont to teleport
DeSmallPotato on March 02, 2019:
well its to long to read but if i did finnaly get teliportation i would tp to my best online friend!
mr.ewelex on February 20, 2019:
i know if how to teleport but is too hard.....before i make teleport....i have sick feeling and wierd feeling...........dont give up give guys...:)
trish on February 19, 2019:
I want to try today how to teleport now now if I cn pls just to day
Moun on February 16, 2019:
Hi ,how can I teleport? I like it since I was young.So help me.it is my goal.
MrTKennedy1981 on January 22, 2019:
Places to hit up if this WOULD HAVE worked:
1. Bank of America
2. Ladies lockerrooms
3. Bank cash vaults
Omg, lol, the fun to be had...
Charles on January 03, 2019:
I tried but always end up having a headache
Lizzy on December 24, 2018:
Too long didn't read
And if I did it wouldn't have worked
Darrel on December 23, 2018:
Hay good text keep trying
brian from uk on December 03, 2018:
You would have to be a very special human to teleport a like the the tomorrow people mind you it be a cool way to travel
momand on November 04, 2018:
Anna on November 03, 2018:
Charlie Joey Tribbiani also known as Charlie on October 27, 2018:
I want to teleport so i can play fortnite even though i know teleportation doesnt exsist it is useless this website
Perdeep on October 10, 2018:
I have teleporting details but not give you
Jayden on October 08, 2018:
Horrible and terrible
T boy on October 07, 2018:
I can teleport
Kendrick Giddins on September 07, 2018:
I can teleport
Mollie on August 04, 2018:
Tooooooo muuuch to read
samrat ashok on July 26, 2018:
i can't able to teleport
Yung Nigga on July 26, 2018:
Are you rarded?
Max on July 20, 2018:
alfe on June 30, 2018:
i got a real teleportation wow
Anand raj on June 23, 2018:
My life is in danger I'm of age 14 some people take me here far away from my house and planning to smuggle me .
But they are showing me that they are good person they give me this phone for entertainment. I have heard these things stealthily from them
Heino on June 21, 2018:
Our pulses have to harmonize with the frequency. Measuring TSC with our electrical understanding of Quarks is not yet an art form.
A Wise One on June 19, 2018:
So, as you all may know, our bodies atoms are "electric." Meaning that our atoms have a current in which makes our atoms move. This is how we live. Our entire body is an electrical current. So, if our body gains enough electrical energy, all of our atoms could vibrate fast enough where they can jump to a different location: Teleportation. Now I'm not saying to go out and get struck by lightning but this is a very valid theory. If somehow, we could generate enough energy and get our atoms to jump from one spot to another, we could teleport. Now whether or not this ever happens, it's something to think about. Say I get struck by lightning and live... At the point of the strike, an immense amount of electricity is being absorbed by your body. If this energy could be absorbed correctly, and constantly, then teleportation is in sight. Now this would take centuries to figure out, but it does seem like a real possibility. If anyone has seen the movie Jumper, then you definitely think about this. Back to the point, I think it is possible to be able to teleport, just not yet. If anyone has any input to this, please respond.
alleyne on June 19, 2018:
Not bad have to admit i love hogwarts
landon on June 10, 2018:
i wanted to teleport into tv's to meet karai in tmnt to kiss her.
James kimble on June 07, 2018:
I want to teleport to bank vault and back with money
Bobby Banson on June 04, 2018:
How do i get back home?
Lincoln on May 23, 2018:
guys. help me I want to teleport
Brystal Welty on April 30, 2018:
Sooooo this is to much to read.
Phomolo on April 30, 2018:
I tryed to teleport but is not working
Sakura on April 24, 2018:
How can I teleport??
Poop on April 11, 2018:
Gunny on April 08, 2018:
How can I Teleport
kelly on March 24, 2018:
mae on March 06, 2018:
Ok can someone please explain to me how i can teleport this is so confusing. I am a starchild and i need to know
I want to teleport to Hawaii but it doesn’t work on March 04, 2018:
I really want to teleport to Hawaii but unfortunately I can’t because the person that said this is a dirty liar but try telekinesis it does work.!!!
Mexican on March 03, 2018:
I need to teleport across the border
harry on February 28, 2018:
It works !!!
Bill on February 05, 2018:
If I can levitate water I think I can teleport
Blabla on February 04, 2018:
What ways can u teleport?
Sarah on January 23, 2018:
How do you teleport
bryan on January 09, 2018:
Is this true i havent tryed this out yet
Icecreamqueenee on January 07, 2018:
I just want to teleport to my favourite youtubers house. Nothing i try is working. I really want teleportation. I really trusted this dude.
Lollypop on January 06, 2018:
It doesn't work
Stacy :) on December 19, 2017:
I know it's not impossible, but I mastered watching myself sleep :) also, I can do other things on a small scale
Spencer Weyz on December 19, 2017:
Thnks 4 that hub but how do i start.What steps should i follow
Boy Tikol on December 14, 2017:
I once teleported to the year 2035 not actually teleportation but time travel lol.
some random person on November 07, 2017:
i did teleport once, but i did nothing
problematic least-fave on October 30, 2017:
okay but i gotta teleport right now, buggo. gotta teleport halfway across the US please
DA REAL HEROBRINE on October 17, 2017:
I really teleported to France in world war two
dreamer on October 07, 2017:
I wanna teleport to my home please let me learn it
Prince on September 24, 2017:
I want to teleport
Jaleel on September 24, 2017:
how to get information to my email
Unknown on September 06, 2017:
I want teleport but cant.
Alakazam on September 04, 2017:
Why can't I telaport
mm on August 19, 2017:
full process plz
Kemar on August 14, 2017:
How to teleport your self
me on August 09, 2017:
telekinesis could be possible through switching dimensions. for example dream is -1dimension and when u are in a dream it seems real but when you woke up we just leave it saying its just a dream. however the real world is 1 dimension(example) then the supernatural would be natural for the people in 2 dimension. please make a essay on it for better understanding
Spka on June 23, 2017:
I hope one day with can teleport
Brandon Williams on May 13, 2017:
I wonder how it feels to teleport maybe cold or warm?
unknown on April 25, 2017:
Burongnan 2017 was the year..it has begins..it begin..
Frisk the Human on April 23, 2017:
I just wanna teleport in case I have a bad time, so I can get away from that big fight. also because of the alphabetti thing
*sans giggle intifies by the second*