How to Gain Closure Through Communication After Death

Updated on March 14, 2017
Glenn Stok profile image

Glenn Stok likes to study and analyze curious aspects of life through theoretical and critical philosophy, and with a unique perspective.

You can achieve closure after losing a loved one with my unique approach that uses virtual communication.

  • Has someone close and dear to you died before you could discuss questions you had for them?
  • Have you wanted closure with a deceased loved one?
  • Would you want to have the chance to talk with your Mom or Dad who passed away?

I personally had unanswered questions after losing a loved one, and I knew I needed closure. Fortunately, I found a way to resolve the void I had and I was able to use this newfound method after the passings of my father and Aunt. In both of these relationships, I did not take advantage often enough to have heartfelt discussions about certain issues before their deaths. Even though I missed these opportunities, I discovered a two-step process that worked for me to gain closure; I hope that it will help you too. Here are the two steps I used:

  1. You can still visit someone after death by imagining it in your mind, and by scripting a conversation. You can ask questions and determine the answers by using your knowledge of their personality and of how they may have responded.

  2. You can recreate their persona, or psyche, in your mind. It's as if you were visiting them to have a talk, even though they are no longer physically there. You can write the script.

This may help with bereavement, or having closure, by finding a way to complete those discussions that you wish you once had.

Imagine a Virtual Visit

Imagine in your mind a meeting with the deceased and having a conversation as if they were there with you. This is sort of like a virtual visit.

When we remember loved ones who we lost due to old age or health problems, we most likely visualize them as they were last remembered. It's important to decide at what age we chose to visit them in this virtual visit.

Many different results can come out of this, depending on their age in our virtual visit. Maybe we'll want to exercise visiting them at several different stages in their life and discuss things that were pertinent at that time.

I did this to have closure when I lost my Aunt. I needed to resolve some issues that were bothering me ever since I was a child. So in my mind I imagined her being the age I recall her being when I was a kid. Then I proceeded to have that virtual conversation.

You can do anything you want in your own mind to accomplish this communication with a deceased relative. Do whatever is necessary to help with bereavement or to resolve an issue so you can feel closure.

During your virtual visit, pay attention to their expression. Bring their reactions to life in your own mind. Try to get in touch with the feelings they would have had. You'll need to help it along by representing both yourself and the deceased as you imagine the conversation in your mind.

Unfinished business needs to be resolved in our own mind. This can still be achieved with a deceased loved one by using our knowledge—knowing how they would have wished to help us.

What You Need for Closure

Plan your virtual visit by thinking about what you would want to accomplish.

  • What would you ask?
  • What would you want to tell them?
  • What would you expect in return?

Do you just want to have some precious time with them that you feel you missed out on when they were still around?

Was something more troubling to you and you never made an effort to discuss it when they were alive?

Were they a source of comfort? Do you need that now? Were they the only one you could get that from?

Do you need their approval on some issue that you never had resolved?

Were they critical of you and you are now ready to understand the reason why? Or did you already resolve that and you just want to share the news with them? Maybe even thank them for making you aware of something important?

Do you need their input on something that’s going on for you right now that you are anxious about? Are they the only one who can help?

If it's unfinished business that you feel you need to resolve, how will it affect you if you get the answer you want? Will you be able to handle it if you get a different result out of it?

There are many issues to be considered, but you can get a lot out of it by imagining in your own mind how a discussion with a loved one might go. Use some idea you have of their attitude to imagine what they might tell you and what answers they may have in response to the questions lingering in your mind.


The Deceased May Tell You Something in a Dream

Many people experience dreams where deceased loved ones reappear. This seems to be a common phenomenon and there has to be some psychological meaning with these dreams. They may be the result of the brain trying to make some sense out of an unexpected loss or to resolve emotional issues.

When we have dreams of a loved one who had passed away, it's our way of resolving unfinished business.

I did some research on this and found that most people know in their dream that the person is dead. They even ask why they are there because they shouldn’t be there if they’re dead. However, they never seem to get an answer.

I’ve had my own experience with a deceased relative appearing in my dreams. For me it was different. I never thought twice about it in my dream. It seemed completely normal that they were there, as if they never had died yet.

It wasn’t until I actually woke up when I realized the person in my dream had already been dead. In that dream they were very much alive and functioning as normal without me realizing that they should not have been there. It’s as if they were immortal in my mind.

Dreams of deceased relatives can occur anytime. They can come back, even decades later, to revisit in a dream that our subconscious mind creates. My father, who died over 30 years ago, has reappeared in dreams long after his death.

In those dreams he was very much alive. I think that is our brain's way of still working out some form of closure.

How a Dead Relative Can Still Give Us Guidance

We may not be able to learn about their past once they are gone, but we can still have them lead us with needed guidance.

You may have more knowledge deep within you about this person than you realize. You may actually have a good idea of how they might respond to various questions by imagining and recreating their psyche. You may determine what they would have told you when you ask for help.

All you have to do is verbalize these answers in your mind as if you were having a conversation with them today.

Give It a Try—Have a Conversation With Them.

In your mind...
In your heart...
Imagine the answers you know they would want to share.
Let them guide you with those answers.

Your loved one wants to help. They will never let you down, dead or alive. Wherever it takes you, you’ll learn something from it.

© 2011 Glenn Stok


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    • Glenn Stok profile image

      Glenn Stok 8 days ago from Long Island, NY

      Jean Bakula - Thank you for that contribution. Those are wonderful additional ideas. I’ve used the letter-writing too, even to people still alive without the intention of actually mailing it. It satisfies the emotions.

    • Jean Bakula profile image

      Jean Bakula 9 days ago from New Jersey

      What a nice article. I often tell people to write a letter to say whatever they feel was left unsaid. I have done it myself and it really does help. I also believe it's best to remember the person the best way you saw them. When I see my husband, I see a collage of him at all different ages, but mostly when we were young. You can meditate too, and think of what you want to say. I think they are listening.

    • Glenn Stok profile image

      Glenn Stok 5 months ago from Long Island, NY

      R Bernard - Sorry for your loss. Even though it was so long ago, he forgives you because you always remember.

    • profile image

      R Bernard 5 months ago

      Thank You Glenn for this information. My dad past away 3 days after Christmas in 1997. I did not say my final good byes. I did communicated with my dad. He gave me several different signs that he always does. He would smack me in back of head if I was not treating the ladies right especially my mom or the wife. Since I did not give proper good bye, he forgave me on that. I know he will always be with me because I'm a splitting image of him.

    • Glenn Stok profile image

      Glenn Stok 4 years ago from Long Island, NY

      MsDora - Thanks for that viewpoint about the title. I'm am actually having a lot of trouble with the title for this Hub. I changed it a couple of times. I still have to work on that. I have to use something people are searching Google for. It's not easy. I'm glad you got past the title and read it.

    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Weithers 4 years ago from The Caribbean

      I'm glad I read the article because the title scared me a bit; however, the theme is not what I thought it was. I could see how fulfilling it could be to "recreate that persona and use it to offer a response to your questions." It is still the mind of the living, rather than the mind of the dead in control. Thank you for this perspective.

    • Glenn Stok profile image

      Glenn Stok 6 years ago from Long Island, NY

      mathira ~ I am sorry to hear about the lose of your husband. As you said, our lived ones will always remain with us spiritually. Thanks for following and welcome to HubPages.

      Hello, hello ~ I find it interesting that so many people have found a way to continue the communication. It's a reality that departed loved ones will always be with us.

      Thanks for stopping by.

    • Hello, hello, profile image

      Hello, hello, 6 years ago from London, UK

      Great article, Glenn, and well dealt with such a debatable topic. I myself had a wonderful experience when I visited my mother's grave and so had my son at the same time. Therefore, it was not just my imagination.

    • mathira profile image

      mathira 6 years ago from chennai

      I could easily relate to this article because I had lost my husband.Though I might have lost him physically, I feel he is still with me spiritually.Whatever problems I might have, I share it with him to this day.

    • Glenn Stok profile image

      Glenn Stok 6 years ago from Long Island, NY

      Stephanie Henkel ~ You picked up on the specific reason why I wrote this, to help people working through feelings and grief. That was a very good observation on your part. Sorry for your lose of your parents.

      jenubouka ~ Not only do they hear you and smile down at you, but they are also proud of you for working towards your secret dream. Thanks for the vote up.

    • profile image

      jenubouka 6 years ago

      What a great article, I like to think that my deceased loved ones can hear me, and from time to time smile down at me. Voted up!

    • Stephanie Henkel profile image

      Stephanie Henkel 6 years ago from USA

      This hub made me think of the conversations I never had with my deceased parents and grandparents - I still regret that. Your suggestions and questions would be helpful in working through feelings and grief, but also inspirational for writing about that important person. You've given me lots to think about!

    • Glenn Stok profile image

      Glenn Stok 6 years ago from Long Island, NY

      pstraubie48, Thank you for your very meaningful comments. I'm sorry you lost your parents in such as short time (of your life). I can understand how you feel because I also had older parents. My parents were 43 and 46 when I was born.

    • pstraubie48 profile image

      Patricia Scott 6 years ago from sunny Florida

      Thank you for sharing this. I do not think of myself as wacky but I do communicate with my parents...I talk to them and share with them the events that have occurred since they left this planet. My parents were already elderly when I was born so they left the planet when I was much younger than most people's do. It kind of bothered me, no, not kind of, it rankled my ire, when people would say ..o you had them a long time...because they were older (93 and 87)..and I would, the world had them a long time...I did not. So when they passed on, left this planet, I decided I would talk to them and I do. I feel most closely connected to my Mother when I am working in my yard as she was able to make sticks grow.

      So thank you for sharing this so others may at least begin to think about talking to their loved ones.