Dark Side of Capricorn: Smug, Awkward, Pretentious, Controlling
If I Only Had a Heart
If you want a partner who’ll put you down and openly favor other people, who’ll sneer “Aw, poor baby,” when you share your feelings, and who despite his “intellect”—a word he loves—enslaves himself to his job and parents and kids, choose a negative Capricorn.
Intelligent and responsible, often with one primary talent, Capricorns find it hard to acquire and maintain basic social skills. This is awful because they are social climbers. Positive Capricorns tend to be nerdy and befriend other nerds, but negative Capricorns, instead of making friends, latch onto high-value things to own or win: costly furniture, the boss’s job, a trophy spouse, fame, power, prizes, or a parent's approval.
After prestige, money is the first thing on their minds. Sex is the last. You’ll have to teach most Capricorn lovers what to do, and he or she can’t wait to wriggle free from your embrace because sex is so demeaning and embarrassing. In their eyes, a partner exists to raise their financial or social status. That’s why billionaire Aristotle Onassis (birthday, January 15) married Jackie Kennedy. She was a Leo (July 28) and it worked both ways.
Capricorns Never Make Mistakes
Many negative Capricorns were brought up to repress their true selves, and unless they get therapy will in public act out the opposite of their true feelings—mainly rage, distaste, and insecurity—with fake niceness, posing, or airing unwanted opinions on subjects they know nothing about. Donald Trump, Jr. (Dec. 31) and Eric Trump (Jan. 6) are both Capricorns. I knew a Capricorn college boy who bragged how many drugs he did when he did none at all; he thought that was a way to fit in socially. At the same time he was ensuring that nobody would want to get too close.
Ice-hearted Capricorns “don’t make mistakes” and are “good at everything they do” and therefore immune to criticism, like Richard Nixon (January 9), who declared, "I am not a crook" and “If the president does it, that means it is not illegal.” Chairman Mao Zedong (December 26) forced 600 million Chinese citizens to read his Little Red Book and toe his line. Kim Jong-Un (January 8) is not only North Korea’s Glorious Dear Leader but also wants the world to like his haircut. Elvis Presley (January 8) never got to know himself, and let other people and drugs run his life. He is among the few Caps who deserve pity.
Presley's famous “sneer”—a Capricorn specialty—was not a sneer but the result of the slightly uneven lip line he was born with. Negative Caps deliberately glower, roll their eyes, and smirk. They can frost you instantly, whether you’ve burped at the table or just told them you lost the Fortune 500 job they liked you for. Using their “intellect” and mastery of “the rules,” they will argue minor points for hours. Those married to negative Caps are often scared to go home.
Capricorn and Relationships
Capricorn and Taurus are the signs most hated by their exes: Capricorns because they’re controlling and cold, and Taureans because they’re insensitive. Capricorn Suns and Moons hate their exes too and will seethe and complain about them for years. When teasingly calling you “excess baggage” or “schmuck,” they really mean it. Faithfully they visit elders to remind them to leave their property and money to Capricorn.
You’ll know your date’s a Capricorn when he calls a dinner date an “investment” or when she drags you store to store, pointing out what you should buy her. (Females with Venus in Capricorn do that, too.) Instead of gifts, Caps will buy you something you want, but you must be there to watch them sacrifice their hard-earned money. With any Capricorn, your “stock” as a human being is always fluctuating.
Luckily it doesn’t take much for a negative Capricorn to banish you from his or her house and life forever: merely correct his grammar or act unimpressed by her latest pretentious purchase, such as champagne buckets. Sense of humor? They only pretend to have one. No other zodiac sign is as bitter and pitiless. Throw crumbs of flattery; the tiniest compliment thrills their pants off.
I Hope I Look Like a Good Parent
Capricorn parents, especially the singles, constantly feel guilty, and while meeting with you will take calls from their kids (called “heirs”) or bring a kid along and nuzzle him in order to look like a great parent. A Capricorn I knew considered leaving a party because his 22-year-old daughter called him home to open and heat a can of soup for her. We expressed amazement when he said why he was leaving, and then watched it slowly dawn on him that her request was insane and he was her slave. A Capricorn’s child is his or her status symbol—the better to let the dull constellation of Capricorn shine.
More Capricorn Egos: Howard Hughes (Dec. 24), Sean Hannity (Dec. 30), Matt Lauer (Dec. 30), J. Edgar Hoover (Jan. 1), Ismael Zambada Garcia, drug lord (Jan. 1), Josef Stalin (Jan. 2), Rush Limbaugh (Jan. 12), Heather Mills (Jan. 12), Steve Harvey (Jan. 17), Kellyanne Conway (Jan. 20).
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