Dark Side of Taurus: Insensitive, Lazy, Gluttonous, Boring
"Selfish? Lazy? A Glutton? Moi?"
After work, Taurus comes home and grunts like a caveman, uses the bathroom and flops in front of the TV. Or Taurus returns from the mall loaded with jewelry, shoes and handbags (they love fine leather; it's cowhide, and you know Taurus is the bull). She even bought some new toys for the cat. But sure as you're born, she brought nothing for you. Tell this negative Taurus that he or she is insensitive, and they will be shocked and say, "Insensitive to what?"
This was their life before you met and it will be their life until they die. A partner of a negative Taurus is not allowed to ask for anything, only allowed to pick up after Taurus or pick up the tab. Negative Taurus lives on autopilot, travels in a rut, and takes you for granted the moment you commit.
The rut they are in, and the demands they make, come from their anxiety about safety. Beneath the surface they seethe with fear. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld (April 29) starred in a show "about nothing" that really was all about fear. Negative Taureans fear the delicate or subtle, so they stick with basics: Mom and Dad. Food and shelter. Sex and money. Saved or damned. After a very romantic beginning, relationships are as simple as this: We do what Taurus wants. Like it or lump it.
Negative Taureans are the zodiac's championship pessimists and bores. They believe the world is going to hell in a handbasket, voting is useless, a positive attitude is foolish, and the best part of life is over. Intimate talk means cataloging for you their neck pains, sports injuries, bulges, scars, and hemorrhoids. They do this because they're perfectionists and know down to the millimeter how far they are from being physically ideal. For friends and mates they suggest breast enlargement, a penile implant, Lasik eye surgery, or diets (Taureans prefer diets high in beer, meat, and cheese and they can stay fat while the partner must be slim). Bettering themselves educationally or spiritually must have a material payoff. "Better" to them really means longer hours at the job or a harder workout. Like Sagittarians, Taureans have intense relationships with diets and sports.
Positive Taurus can have a stellar career, but negative Taurus usually settles for a steady income. TV watching or shopping (they like flea markets) represses their painful regret over their wasted ambitions. Frustrated Taureans often overeat or turn to drink like Orson Welles (May 6). They dwell on the good old days, preferring not to think about the future, except for their investments. True Taurean dolts invest in Beanie Babies or collect Franklin Mint limited editions or bottlecaps or Barbies, and will show and describe each one in detail until you scream for mercy. I knew a Taurus who in youth hoped to become a veterinarian or a musician. (Many Taureans have true musical talent.) At 50 he was a collector of books of Truly Tasteless Jokes.
Anyone engaged for eight or 14 years is probably a Taurus. They usually marry only once. After negative Taureans buy a home they don't want people in it, because it is either too messy or too clean. Certain rooms, closets or drawers will be off limits. Taurus has his own comfy chair but offers you a beanbag or a straight-backed chair from his dining set.
Lovemaking with a Taurus can be lengthy and sensual, and they are awesome booty calls, but they like the same things over and over and are alarmed or exasperated if a partner wants variety. They are masters of unfunny jokes or remarks. Some Taurus males talk almost exclusively in jokes and jibes. Bathroom humor is a specialty, and they talk about excretion and turds more than most. My closest Taurus friend jokingly calls everybody "Poopypants."
Taureans can spend (or waste) a lot of life trying to look hot, like Tori Spelling (May 16). They're ruled by the planet Venus, symbolized by a mirror, and some truly hot Taureans are known worldwide: Jessica Alba (April 28), Penelope Cruz (April 28), and George Clooney (May 6), for example. Aging Taurus men pump iron to exaggerate pecs and biceps and the women spend hours and a fortune on makeup, nails and hair. Great as he might look, a negative male Taurus taken to a party will sit down and not move or speak all evening. He simply has no social skills and nothing to say. Dates soon realize their Taurus cutie pie is a social embarrassment.
Have a negative Taurus boss? A huge percentage of world dictators are Taureans. They include Adolf Hitler (April 20), Saddam Hussein (April 28), Hirohito (April 29) and Pol Pot (May 19). Barging in, the Taurus boss gives orders and thunders, "It isn't a choice." Still, they are cowardly; on the big issues they will leave you dangling, and they let their own bosses overwork them.
Negative Taurus Avatars: Chris Brown (May 5), John Wilkes Booth (May 10), Sid Vicious (May 10), Louis Farrakhan (May 11), Jim Jones (May 13).
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